nuclear waste aerobics

Come to think of it I must be a weirdo compared to my artist friends.

I kinda envy how relaxed other people are with their own drawings. It’s a standard practice to let other people browse your sketchbooks, but… I don’t think I’ve ever done that. The whole idea is weird to me. Sketches and sketchbooks have always been something very very private to me. I have a hard time letting anyone look at anything I’ve done unless it’s something I personally like - and I only like the works that are relatively new, well drawn, polished and presentable. The rest are ugly pieces of shit that are little more than failures and embarrassments to me, so I just hide them somewhere. Why would I show them, what’s the point? One of my worst memories is when one of my childhood friends tried to dig out my drawings from under my bed where I kept them. She was so determined to browse through my secret stash that it actually escalated into a fight, resulting into several drawings getting crumpled or torn to pieces…

Then I also envy those who can draw normally while there are other people present. Incredibly difficult for me unless I position myself so no one can see what I’m doing. I’m not comfortable with the possibility of someone breathing down my neck and commenting on the stuff I’m working on. It’s probably another childhood trauma kind of thing: starting from grade school other kids would often come up to me in art class and say mean things to me because my drawings were slightly better than theirs. I guess the logic was that if you were good at something, you only did it to upset other people, and deserved a bit of verbal abuse to “make things even”. Somehow I kept getting these comments all the way up to the school I’m currently at, and while I totally get that they’re just joking around, I still tend to feel more or less ashamed and dismissive of my works when there are people present. I can’t be proud because that would seem arrogant. I can’t draw anything good when they’re watching because that would be showing off.

Yet somehow I’m totally ok with the attention when I’m livestreaming! It’s weird how much easier it is. Maybe it’s because I’m still practically alone in my room and the audience I have is reduced to a bunch of text on screen. People are really nice and supportive at the chat too. I wonder if I streamed more often I could get over my issues and gradually become more open with my works as well. Hmm.

TL;DR: Drawing is the most important thing in my life but there’s a ton of anxieties attached to it